Life is full of aha! moments. I'm sure I've had a few of my own, and for a split second, they have the necessary affect and make me stop and reevaluate things. However, despite the wrecking ball sized "signs" that are plopped in my path, I tend to sidestep the right course of action needed to improve my life. A moment of clarity is only good if you do something with it, and more often than not, I took the easier road and kept walking past opportunities. Aha! moments come with a price; they scream "Change! Do something different! Be better!"
Imagine walking past someone in need on the street. You do your best to avoid eye contact, because as soon as that connection is made, you are obligated to acknowledge their presence. If you do catch their eye, you know that you have the potential to help. So the molding on the building that you're passing becomes the most interesting thing you've ever seen, and your silent phone is now requiring your immediate attention, and you keep walking. Here is your aha! moment, desperately hoping that you meet their gaze, that you stop and recognize that there is a problem, and choose to do something about it. I am guilty of averting my gaze more often than not. My aha! moments rest behind me, where I've kept on walking and hoped that my pretense of being too busy to stop was convincing enough to warrant not being a better person.
I want to recognize my next aha! and keep it from fading into the black.
Today, I was sitting on the couch watching an old movie and knowing that the next scene would make me cry, my boyfriend recorded my reaction to Robin Williams coming back from Neverland for the last time. It should have been funny. I was wrapped up in the story, and sure enough, started tearing up for the 8th or 9th time while spouting random factoids I had scalped from IMDB and old issues of People about the various actors. When he showed me the video, I felt the color drain from my face. I saw myself with hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, not a stitch of makeup, wearing ratty sweats. There was no hiding that double chin and pallid skin. The side table behind me in the video was littered with junk mail and fruit snack wrappers. I'm not sure when I got too comfortable in my life to care, but I didn't like it. A 15 second clip showed me how everyone else must see me. This was no perfectly posed picture where I could angle my face just so to catch the light (I watched one to many episodes of America's Next Top Model and can now SMIZE like a champ). This was me in all my fat, messy glory. I can't photoshop my life, but eureka! I can change the things that I cannot accept.
I need to start small or my motivation will fizzle out. I know this is not the epiphany of the century and for the most part, it's me being superficial and vain, but I need to start somewhere. So today, I commit to a change. It's small and in the grand scheme of things, a drop in the bucket of everything that I hope to one day do, but it's something. Today, I will walk past the pantry with junk food. Tomorrow, I will go to the gym. Today, I will clean my area and resolve to care more about my surroundings. Right now, I will hug my dog and kiss my boyfriend and silently promise to be better. This is a good first step. This aha! moment will be taken advantage of. Wish me luck.
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