I once was asked (not more than a few minutes ago actually) why I wanted to write a blog. I don't have a hobby that I want to share with the world, no strong political soapboxes I want to stand on, or motivational, life affirming stories to inspire the masses. I'm not sure what my "angle" yet is, but hopefully I'll know it when I see it. Maybe a diary would be better suited for what I want out of this, but my closet narcissism yearns for attention and validation.
So...without further ado...
Who am I kidding? I love "ado". The setup is my specialty. I hype up my stories and jokes only to walk all over the punchline. "I have a great idea"... proceeds most suggestions for plans, dinner choices, disaster schemes, and shortcut attempts. I put more words into sentences than are reasonably necessary to get my point across. I don't always know where I'm going when I start a story, but eventually I will get there, even if it kills me and everyone else along the way. So this is my story... I don't know where it will lead or if I'm just going to go in circles from now to infinity and beyond. Either way, I need a place to start, and this is as good as any.
Starting a blog so close to the beginning of the year is ripe for potential to declare some new years resolutions. I make them every year and for the first week or so, am pretty dedicated to the idea of doing at least some of them. I mean, I really, really want to start trying to figure out where to begin. Maybe I lack focus, maybe motivation, maybe something shiny catches my eye....maybe I just lack accountability.
Technically, I'm an adult. It says so on my driver's license. Legally, I can vote, buy booze, order stuff off infomercials without parental consent, and call those awkward hotlines that allow me to meet sexy singles in my area, should I so wish. What it does take away from me is accountability. Sure, I go to work, and pay my bills reasonably close to "on time", but beyond that? I don't hold myself to any of the promises I make myself.
Nights are my most ambitious times. Right before falling asleep, I work myself up into a motivational frenzy of "I will do the _______________, and after that, will start________, finish up _______, clean ___________, and tackle ______________" What starts out as a full fledged call to arms to wake up early, go for a run (ok ok, walk), pack a healthy lunch, stay focused at work, go to the gym, finish up (i.e. start) housework, and go to bed early somehow transforms during the night into this pathetic level of excuses and self validation:
*Wake up at a responsible time.... hit snooze button an irresponsible number of times.
*Run through my morning routine because I'm running super late. (Running was used twice, so it almost counts as exercise.)
*Forget lunch but snag a packet of fruit snacks on the way out the door (Wrapper says it has some degree of actual fruit concentrate in it, so I may as well have packed an orchard for lunch.)
*Make it to work in one piece and put in the requisite hours (Success!)
*Come home, kick my feet up and discover that (insert any body part) hurts all of a sudden and there's no way I want to aggravate it by going to the gym.
*Instead of housework, let dishes "soak" for another 24 hours
*Stay up watching TV until well into the night and then spend a significant amount of time berating myself for not accomplishing anything and promising myself to do better tomorrow.
*Repeat.
I'm tired of this endless loop where my best intentions fall by the way side. I do my best to make people happy and to really deliver as a friend, daughter, girlfriend, employee, coworker, etc. I go out of my way to not let anyone down, except myself. The idea of going up to someone I care about and tell them that I have not followed through or failed at something that I told them I would do is miserable. The idea of failing myself is perfectly. Even I see the flaws in my logic. So here is my promise to myself and to anyone who may stumble across this post: I will try to improve. I don't want to set myself up and narrow it down to just one aspect of my life. Improve overall. My relationships, my weight, my accountability, my finances, my job, my self respect. Everything and anything. I'm not so bad right now, but hopefully soon, I will be better.
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